if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
Randomize
