I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
Sorry about your blender, your tiolet, your weed, and your dog...
I'm eager to hear this explaination.
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
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