I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
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