there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
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