Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Randomize
