so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
Randomize
