Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
do you think they make care bear costumes for cats?
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
The whole movie was ruined when some chick started laughing with what you could tell was QUITE the mouthful. This of course made the guy laugh harder.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
Is it possible to be sexually attracted to someone's hair?
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
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