I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
the last thing i remember was the norwegian kid tacking a bag of wine to the ceiling, then boom! shower drain.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
Randomize
