Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
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