I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
It was a shot marathon. It only ended because we werent drinking in our house apparently we walked into the nieghbors. When they got home thy were soooooo pissed.
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
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