Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
Just wanted to make sure that my favorite hot mess is still alive. I dont need words, just a response of any sort. K hope youre living
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This is sufficient.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
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