i kno its fucked up..but id rather sleep it off than seek medical attention right now
I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
Randomize
