Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
Randomize