Don't you send me to vm
i am NOT doing that with my feet, or any part of my body
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
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