Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
Finished the final in under ten minutes and then puked in the bushes outside. I don't even care if I graduate anymore.
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Randomize
