I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Randomize
