I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
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