I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
