we were playing true or dare on a webcam chat and i was way to drunk ...i ended up having to drink my own piss outta a beer bottle, life couldnt get any worse right now
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
MTV running anti-sexting commercials is a slap in the face to everything our generation has accomplished.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
Randomize
