Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
wanna go halves on a baby?
I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
well it can jab him in the chin so I am 100% sure he can suck his own dick
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
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