Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
He came in asked for the bathroom and came out 10 minutes later dripping wet took his redbull and left.
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
