WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
Randomize
