White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
Randomize
