She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
Watching NYC prep. Doing a shot everytime one of these d-bags flips his hair. I give it 10 minutes before alcohol poisoning set in.
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
Randomize
