I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
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