I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
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