What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
sarcasm needs its own font
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Randomize
