i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
Yea. It was an issue. Great time though. Apparently I went through the coat check, put my coat on and forgot I had it so I tried to go through again and just didn't understand why thy weren't helping me. Dave coat checked his pants.
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
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