Small penises have feelings too.
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
I will be naked everywhere
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
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