So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
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I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize