you miss my big massive throbbing cock dont you?
Woah.
that's not how you spell hell yes.
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize