I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
...i had to draw her a diagram of her own vagina. including a little arrow to the clitoris. shouldn't it be the other way around?!?
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
oh but the power of the cock will take you to places you never been..i flew to hawaii once to sleep witha chick
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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