you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
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