I just found that girl ____ on facebook, her activities include "church nursery" yikes
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
Randomize
