Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
Randomize
