I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
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