You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
Randomize
