i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
just put cider in my bong. gotta love fall
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
Randomize
