i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
Last time i carry you out of a forest
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
What is ur current declared sexuality for my bingo board
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize
