Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
I hit an all time low we ran out of coke and I met up with my dealer at 8 in the morning for a re-up. great customer service though.
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
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