I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
Either he masturbated at the end of the bed or she gave him a bj. Either way my bed was shaking and I was uninvolved.
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
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