I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
ok so i jsut did the walk of shame with this random guy that i had sex with at the hotel party, and the lady at the front desk said "wow you're just now leavin?"
feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
Those balls look pretty dangerous.
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
The last thing I remember was naked hot tub and taking a shot and using the hot tub water as a chaser. Not acceptable.
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
I just sucked dick on a ferry
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
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