You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
i feel like there is just so much pressure to sex him up, its like the weight of the world is on my vagina.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
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