I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
25 People Didn’t Realize They Were Talking To Someone Famous
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
21 People Tragically Stumbled Upon A Dead Body
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid