so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?"
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
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