i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
Well, I'm a guy so I don't have one, but if its anything like the inside of my nose, yes, vodka would burn.
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
