we were holding hands throwing up into the same garbage can; if thats not true love i dont know what is .
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
Theres been so much buildup for our genitals to meet, one or both of us is sure to be disappointed.
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Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
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I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
You are a genius and a whore.
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
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