when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
dude...I wrote 15 jersey shore quotes on her body. she is going to do the walk of shame with snookie on her forehead.
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
