And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
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