the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
Cuntadactyl. (n). A pre-historic dinosaur of Mandy-like features that is primarily identified by it's inability to play well with others and overall C-word demeanor. Physically, an unfortunate appearance.
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
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