I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
There's a vagina buried somewhere in there.
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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