I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
Randomize
