goodnight i made you a song goodbye
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
Lol. Awesome. Seriously though, I need you focused next year. We're gone have a lot of drinking and stupid nonsense to do, and I don't want dumb shit like responsibility to get in my fucking way.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
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