My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
Randomize
